Genuinely Retarded: England 0-0 Slovenia - Match Review

England finish top of Group C after drawing with Slovenia in a drab, baffling affair.

In my last match review, I said that the line-up Gareth Southgate selects for this match will decide whether we win the Euros or not, and disappointingly Southgate showed us his limit: we’re not gonna win it.

Imagine my face when I saw that the only difference from the side that played out an insipid draw with Denmark - with qualification for the next round assured, and many question marks surrounding our ability to play fluid, attacking football, and the sheer untapped potential of our squad - was Connor Gallagher in for Trent Alexander-Arnold. Oh my days…

I was on the phone to a good, Welsh friend of mine Matt (I told you I’d shout you out), and he beautifully said that as A/B tests go, Southgate really produced one of the most stupid ones: he successfully set up a team that wouldn’t reveal the extent of our attacking potential if we won, wouldn’t silence the doubters if we drew, nor would it reveal any glaring problems in the team if we lost. If anything, he just revealed to us that the team we started against Serbia is the team he believes will win us the competition. And don’t get me started on his Kalvin Phillips comments after the last match…

The game was on ITV and I won’t lie its coverage is inferior to the BBC’s. Ian Wright, Gary Neville, Roy Keane, Mark Pougatch and co. take themselves too seriously I reckon: they don’t come off as people who necessarily enjoy each other’s company. Don’t get me started on Sam Matterface and Lee Dixon on the commentary box. Uninspiring would be the best way I describe them, though I will say Dixon did provide some decent insight throughout the game. But when Matterface describe the atmosphere in the match as “banging”, I had to scoff down a couple more spoons of my bourbon vanilla ice-cream.

The game was boring. It was such an England match it was cringe. The first half was a non-entity. I disliked how the commentators were really hyping up the Slovenian defence and organisation: we have a squad whose players has scored the most goals (over 200) across Europe’s top five leagues and yet we’re seeking to justify our firing blanks against Slovenia. Riggghhhhhhhhtttttt.

Phil Foden was our best player of the half. He was making things happen. Bukayo Saka scored an offside goal after some neat play, which Foden orchestrated. But that’s about it, really. The game was a real non-entity.

Cole Palmer actually came on and he was a real gazelle. He was real classy. Our substitutions were strange overall though. Trent on for Kieran Trippier, and Anthony Gordon on Foden, leaving a tired, underperforming Jude Bellingham on to gas himself out? I really don’t know.

When the full time whistle went, the Slovenians celebrated as if they won the World Cup, the Euros, the Champions League, the Premier League, hell even the FA Cup. It was real Slovenian paradise, Slovenian bedlam. Absolutely shocking. Shocking. Shocking. Southgate should be ashamed.

Admittedly, we did try throughout the match but we don’t look anywhere near right, and that’s down to the management. It really is: pundits can talk about tactics, commentators can talk about tough oppositions, but the fans know, the fans see, the fans feel that Southgate simply is far too weak, far too risk averse, far too negative to inspire such a talented group of players to victory. Well, see you at the next match review.